The Forgiveness I Couldn’t Seem to Give….
MYSELF
When you keep doing the same shit over and over and over again, the pain, the hurt, the tears they feel like a hug cause heart brokenness is the most familiar pain you know. When you’ve been searching your whole life to be held, to be treated with gentleness, to be seen and heard and felt, any attention - even if it’s dysfunctional, emotionally unstable, non communicative, unsafe CRUMBS…you’ll take it.
You’ll keep aiming low because the idea of aiming high is scary, too scary to even try. You self sabotage because you thought you weren’t good enuf anyway. You low ball every area of your life because, well, that’s what is safe. At least then you can’t be disappointed if you don’t get what your heart truly desires. And yes, you DO have desires, expansive, deep, beautiful desires but life has never gifted you those things or at least not as far as you can see up until this point. So you continue to NEGOTIATE AGAINST YOURSELF by choosing the least available men, low maintenance friends, not choosing to finish anything cause starting feels so good but the follow through feels too much like confinement, not honoring your commitments - not even to yourself, and just all around telling yourself NO before anyone else has the chance to.
These are things I’ve found are hard to forgive. My heart tells me I deserve more but the way my brain is wired, it tells me I should just take whatever others want me to have. Which is not much. Why would someone give me the best if I’m not willing to give myself the best? People can sense your idea of self worth and they feed off of it. Also, like vibrations attract more of the same so low vibrational people and situations are attracted to you because you’re attracted to them. So I stayed in a constant loop of choosing the poorest possible scenarios for myself.
I can name several different scenarios that I feel shaped my initial thoughts around my self worth but all in all I can it definitely say it started in my adolescence. As I grew older, I just got used to the FEELING of not being chosen, begging, over giving, giving to feel relevant and useful so as not to let someone have a moment to even think I was easily discarded. Years of participating in this cycle of self-degradation is literally how I lived my life for most of it. How could I forgive that? How could I reconcile the trauma and abuse that was self-inflicted?
I think at the core of it I just got tired. I was exhausted from being mistreated. I was in despair when I looked around and the big life I envisioned for myself had not come to pass. I always thought I was smart, articulate, ambitious but my physical surroundings did not reflect that. I had to really be honest about my own effort. I named my attributes that were a hindrance to me actualizing my full potential. Then I named the opposite of those attributes and wrote them on sticky notes and put them on my bedroom mirror. I read the positive attributes everyday for years; out loud. I needed a visual of who I wanted to become. And not based on any particular person but based on what I saw as the best version of myself. I repeated out loud “I forgive you” to myself as often as I remembered to say. I wrote positive things about myself often. I prayed that I be filled with self love. I literally began to rewire my brain for my own success.
In time, relationships that were toxic began to fall to the wayside. I began to speak up in familial settings when I felt I was not being treated well. I started to recognize the people in my life who were actually reciprocating what I was giving and I kept them around. Everybody could go or have limited access to me. I stood on that and still do today. I began to explore what LOVE felt like to me and I pursued it. I slowly began to forgive myself. The more I leaned into loving ME, the better my relationships got, the more successful I became and the more my life blossomed in spite of my past treatment of myself.
I became responsible for my own healing. I didn’t leave it to anyone else to fix. It’s taken years to get here, where I’m living a life that truly reflects the love I embody.
Now let’s look at how to do this in real time IN REAL LIFE!
We’re going to call this the:
“Self-Trust Cycle”
This is how you’ll work your way from From Self-Sabotage to Self-Trust
A framework for becoming someone who actually receives what they desire
1. Recognize the Pattern
Notice where you repeatedly choose what feels familiar instead of what is healthy.
Identify behaviors that keep you safe but small.
Admit where you’ve been negotiating against yourself before life even responds.
Awareness breaks the automatic cycle.
2. Tell the Truth About the Why
Acknowledge the fear underneath self-sabotage: rejection, abandonment, disappointment.
Understand that low standards often come from low self-protection, not lack of desire.
Separate past survival habits from present possibilities.
You weren’t broken — you were coping.
3. Practice Self-Forgiveness
Stop punishing yourself for choices made from pain or lack of awareness.
Replace shame with compassion.
Begin the internal language shift: “I forgive you.”
Healing starts when judgment ends.
4. Rewire Self-Perception
Define the version of yourself you want to become.
Speak affirmations and positive identity statements daily.
Create visual reminders of your higher self.
You become what you repeatedly tell yourself you are.
5. Raise Your Standards Internally First
Stop accepting emotional crumbs.
Honor commitments to yourself.
Choose environments and relationships that reciprocate your energy.
People meet the version of you that you present to the world.
6. Stop Negotiating Against Yourself
Ask.
Apply.
Introduce yourself.
Try the thing.
Let someone else tell you no.
Rejection is information — not identity.
7. Take Ownership of Your Healing
Don’t wait for validation, rescue, or permission.
Become responsible for your growth, boundaries, and emotional regulation.
Choose love for yourself as an active practice.
No one benefits from your healing more than you do.
8. Act From Expansion, Not Fear
Pursue what feels aligned, even when unfamiliar.
Allow yourself to want more.
Move toward possibility instead of protection.
A new life begins when you believe you’re allowed to have it.
✨ End Result
Self-trust replaces self-sabotage
Healthy relationships replace survival dynamics
Confidence replaces fear
Desire replaces resignation
You stop waiting to be chosen…
and begin living as someone who chooses herself.
I document becoming in real time so other women feel permission to evolve honestly.
I won’t tell you how to fix your life but I will tell you what I noticed about mine.
O
